"Kindness falls like rain it washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind. And Anna begins to fade away. She's chasing me away. She disappears. Oh Lord I'm not ready for this sort of thing."


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1st day of work went well, but I dont have money to buy work clothes there. >.<

Ballet is going so so. everyone is so much better than I am..as always. I feel like im stuck in place while everyone is speeding forward all around me. im loosing everything, and gaining nothing but pain and hunger in return

the sad thing is, it feels good, since I haven't felt anything real in so long.

Laxatives hurt...thats my rant of the day >.<

"I wanted freedom...now Im addicted"

They always say they're concerned about me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse...


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the move was good, and both my interviews went well, i took the job at chico's and will be making 8.50 an hour, full time. so that means I get benefits too. I feel like this is going to be a fun job, at least compared to others but i have to wear the clothing...i'll need to find something in their sizes. I'd fit into their 0, normaly a 4-6 in womens.

again with the food thing...dont read if you dont wanna hear about it kk? ^^

i've realized whenever i eat, that my stomach bubbles out...i cant eat before my audition then, because I want clean, pure lines. Right now, i can feel the grinding beginning in my stomach, because of laxies...>.> at least their less painful then purging, i spit up some blood the other day...but i dont care, not now. not with my life on the brink of either a future or a would be non-existance.

123...its odd now, that I look back on this, how easily I've slipped into this. they say that those that get ana are already pre-disposed, self concious, and insecure most of the time. its understandable. I can see my hip bones slightly, but all I CAN see is the fat sitting above them, making them ugly to me. Nothing is perfect to me in my eyes anymore...the only thing I can say is alright for the dance world is my hyper extension in my knees. everything else is a blight...enough of this, I want it all badly enough, i'll do what it takes, and if that means nearly passing out, then so be it. I dont care about the consequences any more, because Im tired of seeing nothing, BUT the bad.

the big, day. im leaving at 2, then should get there in time to quickly get ready for my 1st interview for work! yay old navy. tomorrow will be chico's which has better pay, and since several of the employees are older, a much calmer atmosphere. thats my big one that i hope to get.

I'll tell you all how it goes later tonight, now to drive...-_-

hate my family so much. They always have to show me how badly I screw up, and then tell me that im an adult and should be able to do things on my own...if only they'd just leave me alone for once...

Im moving to leesburg hopefully on wednesday, if my cat is ok after his surgery...-_- good I hate having things that hold me back, and now my grandmother is saying that i need to wait an extra day just to make sure there are no complications...wtf, its bad enough having to wait 3 days...thats just bs....and I have no place to take him...its like she's being unhelpful on purpose because im getting the hell up away from her and her control issues...i mean the reason im moving atm is to get ready for nutmeg's audition in two weeks...and she kept on asking me when I hadnt told her that i was moving, "do you really want nutmeg?" the answer is obviously yes.. the reason im switching schools...but now that she knows...i dont think she really cares about nutmeg...w/e that bitch.

so i know this music video is sasu x naru from naruto but its very cool. check it out ^^

[link]

so i decided to not call back later today about the job at claires...I feel as if I would be setting myself up for a pretty rough time if I took it...I mean I really do have enough on my plate as it is...maybe I mentioned this earlier but this whole weight thing is beginning to take me over...I hate to say it but its what I think about...its becoming me in a way, and I really didnt think that it would happen ever...that I would become so controlling of this.

Im tired of people telling me what to do and feeling so huge...yet so insignificant. I dont want to let go of it tho. its like the only comfort I have.

fasted today, I can tell tomorrow will be painful, because already I feel weak and light headed...but that lets me know that its working, that Im succeeding and the scale says so too...this morning I was 127 and now Im 124.6...its amazing how just flushing your body of all those toxins and left overs lightens you...normally on a fast your supposed to loose around 1 pound a day if your metabolism can handle it...I think that the reason I lost that much so quickly is because I really had eaten a lot the day before...

popcorn n yogurt n cereal n not half enough water....

so just having fluids really did clean my system...lol you know whats funny, i just realized that some people think that anorexics never eat..that they starve themselves all the time...I do eat tho, suki can attest to that lol...sometimes I can forget, and its warm and filling as I eat it...but then once im finished the guilt sets in...and everything inside me is like a lead weight holding me down, suffocating me i guess thats how i would describe it...

anyways...im quite proud of my loss today. i also just noticed that when I press my knees together I have a small sliver of air between my thighs...now that makes me super proud!! i checked online yesterday, and the average weight of someone who is 5'4" is like 115-120...so im still not even anywhere near unhealthy in that sense...but still its horrifying to look in the mirror and see myself...i hate that in ballet class now.